I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Condiments

Of all the not-so-brilliant ideas I’ve had, this one might be might not-so-brilliantest: in the midst of packing, I decide that a great way to get rid of my extra baking supplies would be to do some cooking in between lifting heavy boxes of MISC and FRAGILE. It’s nearly 90 degrees outside, I’m sweating from the exertion of carrying my tiara collection to the garage, and I decide to heat the oven to 450 and bake 2 coffee cakes, two dozen muffins, and strawberry shortcakes for Charlie’s baseball team.

Aside from the obvious, this was an absurd plan for other reasons. Of course every recipe required at least one item that I didn’t have, so on top of greasing pans and whisking eggs into oil, I had to schlep over to the store to acquire some ingredient that I wouldn’t use all of. My muffin tins and cake pans were packed, so I had to buy disposable aluminum ones. I was one egg shy of a coffee cake, had no milk, needed a bottle of almond extract, and spilled my last two teaspoons of vanilla. All just to avoid packing a box of biscuit mix and a pound of flour. Thank god I learned my lesson before deciding to use up the remnants of 47 different condiments lining my fridge door. I don’t even know what Spicy Tahitian Baja Tomatillo Marinade is.

When finished, I had a dozen dirty bowls and utensils that now not only had to be packed, but cleaned as well, and my kitchen counter, floor, and stovetop were coated with a sticky batter that could probably hold 747s together. Also, the muffins totally sucked. If you’re ever thinking, “Gee, my mouth feels overly moist and saliva-enhanced. I think I’ll dry it out with some surgical gauze and a cotton ball,” STOP RIGHT THERE. Call me and you can have my dry, flavorless “carrot cake” muffins. I also think they might be useful for absorbing wet spills, and possibly as doorstops (I call them Muffin Stops).

In addition to the baking, for some bizarre reason, I also decided this that it I should get a head start on my homemade Christmas gifts (!?!?), so I’ve been copying photos and organizing ideas for a handmade book for my nephew, who likes to read (see photo). Charlie and I are training for a triathlon, I’m learning to keep score for baseball (and therefore, watching Mariners games almost nightly to practice my F7s and BBs and 5-4-3s), I have the details of three and a half house-sitting jobs to manage, an all-school book read to organize, and a column to write for Writers on the Rise.

Plus there's this whole other "new house in progress" business. I've got to select locations for every outlet, light switch, and fixture in the new house, choose toilets (dual-flush or standard? DoI need this "one-of-a-kind life-enhancing bath product" "Washlet" feature?), meet with James occasionally to talk about subcontractors and examine things like sewer drain access. Also, since my permit application was submitted, I've begun receiving mysterious advertisements from businesses offering everything from new furniture to on-site sanitation facilities. NEW HOUSE?! YOU'LL NEED TOILET PAPER! CHECK OUT OUR SELECTION OF BRAND-NAME TISSUES--EXQUISITE QUALITY AT AFFORDABLE PRICES! WE CARRY ONlY THE SOFTEST, MOST ASS-FRIENDLY PRODUCTS!

Multi-tasking? I’ve got a PhD.

Thus, the REAL reason I’ve fended off offers to help with the packing—I don’t want to reveal what’s really going on over here—the baking, scrapbooking, and boxing interrupted by periods of napping, spectating, and the occasional trip to Lake Padden for a swim and a dog-dunk. NONE OF IT in any particular order. “Oh, Belben, you’re so random-abstract!” my psychologically-minded friends might exclaim. But the truth is, I’m not. I’m one of the most linear left-brainers on my alphabetized list of linear left-brainers. I just have a lot of lines going at any given time, and they’re aimed in a hundred different directions. Right now, one leads to Discovery Park Mini-Storage, one to Goodwill, one to the Dumpster, and the others? They lead, in loop-de-loops and curlicues, into the future.